A Cold and Heartless Lullaby -Chapter 10-

A gradient of orange and red leaves shuddered in the crisp autumn winds, cherry blossom trees anticipating the approaching winter. Graham sat, instrument in his lap and toes in the cool sand as Jaylen snuggled by his side, the sun descending upon the shimmering ocean horizon. 

Plucking at the strings of his instrument, Graham coaxed out a soft tune, barely aware of what he was playing as he took in his cozy surroundings. The little shack they had built was tucked into the cliff wall, its string lights dangling across to the waving trees and quivering in the breeze. He sat in a hammock next to Jaylen, their weight pulling them together like magnets.

 Graham glanced at her, finding it hard to believe they had been married for a full year already. Time had flown by, every spare minute spent with the woman of his dreams. For the first time in his life, Graham was content with where he was. He had no desire to break free and try something else, to find the next thing.

“Graham…” Something about her tone sounded off.

“Yes?” Graham said

“What is your opinion on kids?” Graham was taken aback by the unexpected question. 

“Jaylen… We’ve had this conversation before, We don’t need kids. We have everything we could ever want. I mean, just look at this place we built.” Graham gestured to their spot on the beach. “We could never have built this if we had kids.”

“But don’t you like kids?” 

Graham laughed, “Those obnoxious little things? Look, I can’t blame them for it, but they are all snotty, loud, entitled brats. Far from the perfect little angels their parents think they are.”

“You do know you were a kid once right?” 

“Yeah, and I was a stupid little brat. See, normally I can look at someone and I can see what kind of person they are, maybe even guess what they are thinking, but whenever I look at a kid, I just see nothing. It’s like they are a blank facade, unable to emote. I can’t communicate with them. They don’t give me anything to work with! Unless it’s screaming and crying for attention.”

“They’re kids, Graham,” Jaylen said.

“Yeah, exactly. They freak me out.”

“Well,” Jaylen started to get defensive, “what if they were our children.”

Graham gave her a look, “Jaylen, what is this about?”

She turned away, hugging herself, but she did not respond.

“Jaylen,” Graham reached over to put a hand on her shoulder. She spoke before his hand made contact. 

“I’m pregnant…” 

It was only two words but it was enough to spike fear into his soul. Graham’s mind raced, anxious thoughts chasing anxious thoughts as his body froze up and he could only utter a useless response,

“What?”

Jaylen stepped out of the hammock and stood to face him,

“I’m pregnant Graham!”

Graham didn’t need to hear it again, it still echoed in his mind. How could this happen? We used protection. This wasn’t supposed to happen!

Jaylen stood in front of him, a tear glistening on her cheek. “Graham… Please… Say something.”

Graham put his head in his hands and tried to breathe. He tried to quell the anger that was rising inside of him. Lowering his hands from his face he pressed them together,

“How long have you known?” 

Jaylen sat in the sand, avoiding his gaze, “Since this morning. I’ve been trying to tell you all day…”

“Blackened rot!” Graham cursed. Jaylen reached up to grab his hand,

“I know this is sudden,” she said, holding back tears “But this doesn’t have to be bad news.”

Of course it doesn’t have to be bad news! Graham thought, You wanted this! He wanted to yell at her. He wanted to blame her somehow, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. She looked so scared. She couldn’t look him in the eye and tears ran down her cheeks. Graham hated seeing her like this. 

Before him sat the only woman who had chosen him after so many had turned him away. For a moment he remembered the feeling of her gaze as it met his, how it tangled his words and drew the breath from his lungs. He remembered her touch and how it sent shivers across his skin. I can’t lose this.

Graham was dangling over a precipice and the only thing that prevented him from tumbling into the abyss was the bond that he shared with Jaylen. It was fraying and if Graham wasn’t careful, it could snap. He could see it in her eyes. Desperation. 

Don’t let go.

He squeezed her hand in his, making a decision.

“It will be our child,” Graham said, his voice barely a whisper. Maybe it will be different.