A Cold and Heartless Lullaby -Chapter 20-

The glass door of the backstreet bar hit a bell as Graham pushed it open. Neon tubes of light trailed along the walls in complex symmetrical patterns, shifting between purples and blues. Graham scanned the tables for a very particular head of hair. He found it alone at a table in the corner. Frizzy dark dreads were still in abundance, but the once punk, orange dye had long since faded. Beatrix had gained weight even since last he’d seen her a few months ago. She was a far cry from the twig that had lived on the streets as a kid, but she looked happier this way. She sat alone with two drinks, and when she noticed Graham, a warm smile propped up her cheeks. 

“Graham!” she exclaimed, wrapping him in a hug as he approached. “It’s been too long!” 

“Indeed it has,” Graham said, taking a seat across from her. “It’s hard to find a time when I can leave the kid with Jaylen. She’s got a lot of work being Andron’s personal assistant now.”

“Oh really! Well, congratulations to her!” Beatrix said. “That’s an important position.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty excited.”

“What about you, how have you been?” Beatrix asked. “Here, I ordered you a drink.”

“Thank you. I’m doing as well as can be expected.”

Beatrix gave him a look. “I doubt that. You never come to me unless you’ve got something weighing on you.”

Graham gave a weak laugh. “You know me too well.”

It was still hard to believe that the woman before him was the same troubled teen who had taught Graham everything he knew about petty crime. When he was young, he had thought she had it all together. He had idolized her. In truth, both of them had been fools, and Graham probably still was.

With her drink to the side, Beatrix leaned over, her elbows on the table. “Go ahead, spill.”

Welcoming the burn of the alcohol, Graham took a prolonged sip of his drink, “You’re a mother, Beatrix. How in Sol’s name do you do it?”

Beatrix laughed. “I shoulda’ known. Your kid’s giving you trouble?”

“She just won’t respond to me. Even though I’m the one around the most, she’s just latched on to Jaylen, and she won’t let go.”

“Why do you think that is, Graham?” Beatrix asked.

“Rot if I know! I make her food. She doesn’t like it. I ask her questions. She doesn’t answer. She just sits in her nursery, playing with her little Jerby. She has this naturally amazing voice, but she won’t sing because I want her to!”

“Did you give her a choice? If she didn’t choose it then she can’t love it. If all of our choices were made for us, we could never love. That is why Sol gave us choice.”

“Oh, don’t you start on that. Jaylen’s already been dragging me to the services.”

“Wow.” Beatrix raised an eyebrow, “Graham in a church? Parenting has really changed you, Graham.”

“Not enough, apparently. Kia just doesn’t care for me. Then, of course, when Jaylen shows up, she’s all excited.”

“Hmmm, I hate to say it Graham, but in my experience, children will usually respond in kind.”

“What does that mean?”

“Let me put it this way. When was the last time you said ‘I love you’ to her?”

“Hmmm,” Graham pondered. “I… can’t remember.”

“Ever?” Beatrix said, her eyes wide.

“I don’t know! Fine, alright. I get it. I’m just not cut out for this. I already knew that.”

“Graham…”

“Sorry. Go on.”

“Kia will only give what she gets. You can’t expect love and affection if you don’t give it out first.”

“Well, maybe I don’t know how to do that.”

“You convinced Jaylen to marry you, didn’t you?” Beatrix asked. “That probably took a little bit of affection, didn’t it?”

Graham jokingly flexed his scrawny arm, “No, I’m pretty sure it was my muscles.” 

Beatrix guffawed. It was the kind of laughter that was heard across the street. 

“Very nice, Graham,” she said, still recovering, “but I’m serious.”

“Jaylen was different,” Graham said.

“You do love Kia, don’t you?” 

Graham sighed and put his head in his hands. “Not like Jaylen does.” 

“And how does Jaylen love her?”

“She talks about how her soul just opened the moment Kia was born. Like it’s this involuntary love reaction. But I never got that. To me, she’s just any old kid. It’s like there’s something wrong with me.”

“Do you care about her?”

“Yes? Maybe? She’s my responsibility!”

“That feeling never goes away,” Beatrix said. “By the time my kid became a teenager, it was hard for me to let him take care of himself. The way they grow up depends on you and your parenting. It’s scary.”

“It’s not like that,” Graham muttered. “Sometimes I want to be free of her. I never wanted a kid in the first place, and now that I have one… I don’t know.” Graham took a swig of his drink. “She just… I… I feel so alone now.”

“This is about Jaylen, isn’t it?” 

“She hardly even notices me anymore, between work and the kid. Every time she sees this little girl, she just is so full of love and care, but I can’t feel that.  She expects me to, but I can’t! I feel like I’ve been replaced.”

Beatrix rounded the table with her chair and sat next to Graham, putting her hand on his shoulder. She didn’t say anything, but somehow, it was more comforting that way. 

“I don’t know what to do, Beatrix,” Graham said, “Jaylen… she suggested we get a divorce.”

“Oh… Graham, I had no idea.”

Graham didn’t say anything. He just took another swig of his drink, letting the buzz dull his mind a little.

“What do I do, Beatrix?”

 It was a simple question, but in this circumstance, it held more weight than any question he had asked before. Potential answers only led to more questions and more conflict either way the coin landed. 

He had thought that Jaylen was the key. That Jaylen was what he needed to live a happy life. But now she wanted out, and for some reason, Graham did too. Would he lose it all just because of one little girl? Was that all it took? His fond memories of Jaylen from before Kia were still so fresh in his mind. Somehow, he knew that if he left, those memories would never feel the same, but his only other option was to live with the tension that hung in the air when he and Jaylen talked. He would be bound to a daughter he never asked for. The very same daughter that sparked the shift in Jaylen’s attention. It felt like he was a third line of treads on a trett that was going in circles.

 If he stayed, He would have to live with the possibility that things would never change for the better, and he would be stuck living in the shadow of Jaylen’s affection. If he left, he would guarantee that the same happiness would never return, but then he could at least start over and try to find it elsewhere. It was a choice he couldn’t bring himself to make. He wished one of the options would go away or that someone would choose for him. Beatrix watched him with understanding eyes, her drink forgotten.

“I can’t make that decision for you, Graham.”